


Lost without you

by lydiamxrtin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Drinking to Cope, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 00:28:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21528364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamxrtin/pseuds/lydiamxrtin
Summary: One-shot based off the teaser of Dean praying to Cas in 15x09.Since finding out God is back thus making the boys pieces on a chessboard again, and Castiel and Dean's relationship fractured possibly beyond repair, Dean's hope is at an all-time low. Will Sam be able to get his brother to talk about whats happened or will Dean sink deeper into his drink and disappear?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 56





	Lost without you

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote destiel in a way that can be interpreted anyway by the reader; romantic or platonic, either way, this story looks at how the revelation of Chucks writing and how that has shaped the boy's life has impacted the Dean and Cas's relationship, hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> Hey guys, so it's been an incredibly long time since I've written on here but I'm back for a bit! I've been rewatching and catching up on spn and just had to write this scene! 
> 
> -A♡

Sam and Dean stepped through the door of the bunker, the door closing with a loud squeak and a thud. Sam and Dean came down the stairs, each holding their duffle bag covered in vampire blood, the pair have been fighting a vampires nest in Missouri. Dean walked down the stairs, his whole body aching, Dean had spent the last week killing any monster he could get his hands on; rougarou, poltergeist, vampire, werewolf, shapeshifter, Banshee and Djinn. God was back, so was Lilith and the gun was gone, on top of all of that Chuck was writing the boys ending, and it ended bloody. Sam had been insisting on finding a way to stop him, but Dean just wanted to hunt, wanted to do something. Dean got to the bottom of the stairs of the bunker, making a beeline for the large oak table in the centre. Dean finally dropped the duffel bag from his shoulder, some tension being released. It dropping with a loud thud on the table. Dean sunk into the chair, Sam followed suit, taking a seat on one of the chairs. The hunt had been a successful one, the boys took out the nest with minimum casualties, dean usually felt good after these kinds of hunts, but something was missing, Something had been missing all week.

_I think it’s time for me to move on_

Dean felt his jaw clench, he quickly pulled himself away from the table and walked over the shelf grabbing a glass and bottle of something strong, he poured himself as much as the small glass would handle and finished it; maybe that would fill the gap. Dean poured another before walking back to the table and taking a seat opposite Sam. Dean downed his drink before pouring another and looking up at Sam who was staring at him, his brows knitted together in concern.

“What,” Dean asked, his voice sounding harsher than he intended. Sam shook his head, looking down at the table for a while before back up at Dean

“Nothing just...” Sam paused, seem to think about his question “Something on your mind?”

Dean took a sip before replying “No, all good here Sammy” Dean finished his drink before Sam could answer.

Sam couldn't help but notice his brothers words were laced with sarcasm, a sad smile on his face, which made his heartache a little bit more for his brother. “Really because we’ve not been back in the bunker 5 minutes and you’ve had nearly four drinks plus how many drinks you can fit into that flask of yours”. Dean paused while pouring drink number four; he didn’t know Sam had seen that. “Yeah, I saw the flask" Sam paused, not wanting to push Dean away before they could properly talk. "Drinking on the job? Drinking here” Sam leaned forward, his arms folded on the table.

Dean cut in before Sam could continue “I’m a big boy Sam I can handle my drink” Dean looked down at his glass if he was honest he couldn't remember the last time he hadn't drank. It made things a lot easier when everything had a gentle haze to it, the deep dark thoughts that were slowing crawling their way into Dean's head couldn't reach the surface if they were drowned in booze. 

Sam sighed “Dean…please, I just want you to talk to me-“

“About what Sam?” Dean quietly asked

Sam leaned back in his chair and an exasperated breath leaving his mouth as he did. "Oh, I don't know maybe about God being back? About how we still don't have a plan to stop him how ap-" 

Dean slammed the glass down on the table “What do you want me to say, Sam? huh?“ 

"I want you to give a crap that God is hunting us!" Sam felt the anger in his chest rising, why didn't Dean care? God was coming for them, and they didn't have a plan? "We've spent all week hunting when we should be looking for a way to stop Chuck-"

"Stop Chuck?!" Dean gave a sad laugh, shaking his head as he did, taking another shot of his drink. "How?" There was a pause between the brothers. "How are we going to stop Chuck when he can bring back any son of a bitch he wants? First Lilith, maybe next time its Azezel, maybe its Michael or hey maybe even freakin' Lucifer himself!" Dean leaned forward on the table; the glass held firmly in his hands as he locked eyes with Sam "We can't kill God, we can't stop him, Sam." 

"So we give up?" Sam felt his voice wavering, how could Dean give up? After everything, they had sacrificed to get there? After what Rowena had done to save them, Dean was going to give up just like that? "Just let Chuck write whatever story he wants, let us kill each other-"

"That's not going to happen" Dean sternly replied. 

Sam didn't know what else to say, Dean didn't want to try to stop God but was determined not to fall into the story Chuck was writing.

"If we don't stop him, then it might" Sam felt sick just admitting that the visions playing over in his head like an advert on repeat.

Dean kept his eyes down on the glass. The haze wasn't enough because the dark thoughts managed to crawl there way into Deans mind, Dean took another sip of his drinking, hoping to quiet them down, to quiet everything down. 

Sam waited for his brother's reply, but none came, Dean just looked down at his glass like it held the answer to all of their questions and maybe for Dean it did. Sam tried to make eye contact with Dean but to no avail. Sam had suffered much pain in his life, move than he ever thought he would, but nothing was more painful than watching his brother lose hope; in the world, in himself, in them. Just like apocalypse round 1, his deal, the mark of Cain, when Michael was riding shotgun in his head, Dean losing hope in an answer hit Sam in a way nothing else could. This felt different, all those other times Dean came back, he didn't say yes to Michael, he tried to stop his deal, fought the mark, locked Michael in his mind and kept fighting but now...Sam felt a dire feeling wash over him, what if Dean couldn't pull himself back from this, what if Sam couldn't either. Sam decided to change the subject, something that might bring hope back to Dean “So any word from Cas?” Sam hadn't seen Cas in over a week, after what happened with Rowena and Jack, Dean had told Sam that Cas needed some space, Sam felt there was more to the story but didn't push his brother.

“He’s fine” Dean felt a knot forming in his stomach, and he could have sworn his throat and chest got tighter. Dean stood from the table, taking his glass and bottle with him

“So you’ve spoken to him?” Sam replied with hope.

It’d been just over a week since Dean saw Cas, ten days to be exact, since Cas-.

_Where are you going?_

Dean stood at the shelf, looking forward.

_Jacks dead. Chucks gone. You and Sam have each other_

“A couple of days ago- he’s working cases. “

“Alone?” There was a pause. Dean kept facing the wall. 

Taking a sip of his drink Dean replied. “The dudes a grown angel, he can handle himself“ Sam rose from his chair, walking over to his brother who had conveniently decided to face away from him while having this conversation

“The last time we saw him his powers were failing him last time-“

“He’s fine, Sam!” Dean snapped, quickly turning away from the wall, pushing pass Sam.

“How do you know?“ Sam asked again, but Dean ignored him, walking back over to his chair and taking a seat. Sam sighed, he walked back over to his seat to try and talk to Dean, since Cas left...something was wrong with Dean, the drinking, the isolation. “I’m just saying we could use his help with the whole God-“

“He'll help when he's ready" Dean wasn't even sure if that was true but he just wanted to finish this conversation as quickly he could, every instinct he had told him to leave the room before Sam backed him into a conversation or question be couldn't get out of.

“Dean-“

“WHAT SAM?” Dean yelled, now staring directly at his brother, and Sam could have sworn it was the first time in a week that Dean had been able to look at him longer than 5 seconds. “Cas is gone okay, he’s not here, and he can handle himself, when he’s ready, he’ll come back“ with that Dean finished his drink before putting the glass back down on the table a little harder than needed. Dean got up from the table and grabbed his bag, slinging it over his shoulder.

“Where are you going” Sam called as he watched his brother walk away

“To shower and sleep, you should do the same” Sam thought about leaving it, about letting Dean go but…

“Dean...Are you sure there isn’t something else you wanna tell me? Something else didn’t happen between you guys?” Dean stopped in his tracks, it was just a stupid fight, he and Cas had plenty, and it always worked out, this was no different. Then why didn’t he tell Sam the thought crept into his mind, Dean definitely needed to make things hazier.

“Cas said he needed space and he left, that’s all” dean repeated very matter of factly.

“So he’s coming back?” There was an eerie silence in the bunker. Sam shifted on his feet; his eyebrows furrowed “Cas’s coming back right Dean.”

Dean stood for a moment “He’s Cas” Unable to turn to look at his brother as he answered “He always comes back” as dean spoke he couldn’t be sure who he was trying to convince; Sam or himself.

Dean walked into his room, locking the door behind him. Dean has no intention of showering or sleeping. He threw his bag onto the bed. He walked over to his desk, opening the bottom cupboard, pulling out a glass and a bottle. Dean looked down at the pair then decided to put the glass back; it was one of those nights. It had been one of those nights for a while. Dean had lost count of the number of beer bottles and whisky bottles that were scattered around his room. Dean thought about filling up his flask ready for tomorrow, but he didn't have the energy, if he was honest with himself he didn't have the power for much lately, killing monsters was about all he muster. Dean made his way over to the bed, taking a seat on the edge staring down at the floor. Dean turned around and opened the bag, fishing around for something inside. Dean pulled out his flask, placing down on the bed before finally grabbing his phone. He turned back around facing the wall; Dean looked down at his phone. No calls No messages Dean sighed, gripping the phone. He unlocked the phone and went to the call list. He’d called Cas at least five times this week, text him but had heard nothing back. After they spoke during the week, where Dean had told Cas about God he'd tried to reach him again, in his mind, it was to discuss their what their 'plan' was going to be to stop God, but Dean didn't think there was a plan that could stop God, so why did he want to talk to him?

_I've tried to talk to you, over and over and you just don't want to hear it._

Dean put the phone on the side table. He shifted on the bed, looking down to the floor before closing his eyes and clasping his hands in his lap. Dean took a deep breath. “Last time we spoke your powers weren’t feeling so fresh, so I don’t know if you'll even hear this, but you’re not answering your phone so…” Dean shifted again; he forgot how much he hated praying, just talking to thin air with no guarantee that someone is listening. “Not that I blame you, I haven’t given you much of a reason to listen to me lately but, I need you to hear this Cas, so I hope you've got your ears on.” He wasn’t sure what he needed Cas to hear, or even where to start or what to say. Maybe he should start from the beginning.

“You know, even when I was a kid I never really felt like I was in control of my life, after what happened to mom…” Dean felt his words get stuck in his throat, and he shook his head a little, god how he missed his mom. “My life was hunting, taking care of Sam. It wasn’t mine. Everything was already decided for Sam and me; Jess, yellow eyes that was all part of the plan, Sammy dying, me selling my soul, that was all written” Dean squeezed his hands tighter, It still pained him to think about it all. Dean thought back to everything that had happened to them over the years, all the misery, all the pain, all the hopelessness, but there was one moment in particular that stood out to him.

“Being locked in Zachariah's room, finding out the angels wanted lucifer to walk, knowing they had some jacked-up plan for sam, knowing they wanted me to stop him” Dean felt himself rambling, but he didn’t care “…I don’t think I ever felt so out of control; it was like watching a movie, wasn’t my life. I had no control. I mean they were meant to be the good guys, I mean don't get me wrong I thought you guys were kinda dicks, but you were meant to stop the apocalypse not start it.” 

"My mom used to tell me the angels were watching over me...I felt so cheated man..then you turned up” Dean gave a little laugh thinking back, he’d been so mad at Cas he’d turned up. “You tried to tell me it was my destiny and I told you to shove it, at the time I didn’t even know why I was trying to convince you, I mean trying to tell an angel of the lord to defy gods long for told plan...” Dean shook his head, remembering how he begged Cas to help, remembering how he called him spineless, soulless “It was a long shot, but that’s kinda how we operate around here, and it paid off. You came back got me out, and you stuck by us after when all the crap dropped when your own kind was hunting you.” Dean took in a long breath losing himself, not even sure what his point was anymore; he just needed to talk. “You choose your own destiny...team free will." The phrase brought a slight warmth to his chest "We even said screw you to the apocalypse, did it our way, even though we lost Sam…” Dean felt an ache in his stomach, the warmth that had just appeared gone as quick as it came, the same ache he always felt when he thought about Sam jumping in that pit, and for a brief second he felt his face pain the same way it did that day.

“Now…” Dean gripped the edge of his bed, his head lowering even lower “Now all I can do is doubt when you came to me on that dock to warn me about the angel's plan was that you? Or did Chuck write that, did you want to help me or was it all him.” Dean felt himself spinning. “We’ve had some bad patches over the years Cas but every time I’ve thought back to that room, thought back to you choosing us...me...over heaven, god everything."

_You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt_

"…I thought after all the crap we’d been through, we made our own choice that day, that we said screw you to god but we didn’t, it was all him, and-and-" Dean took a shaky breath trying to regain the control he was quickly losing. "All I can think about is how much was really you? Did you come to that room, turn up because you wanted to save humanity or because God made you?” The words flowed from Dean like water from a waterfall, unstoppable.

“I…I just don’t know anymore man. I feel like I’m back in that dam room again, suffocating because I know that my life ain’t mine, I thought we were done, that we were outta the maze that we...that we were real” Dean’s voice staggered are the end, barely above a whisper.

_Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are._

He freed his hands from the edge of the bed, his knuckles aching from how tight he had been holding on. Dean reached up and placed his head in his hands, shaking his head a little. “I just don’t know anymore man and the thought of it all being fake of us being fake…I don’t know if I can’t take that. That might be one hit too many, you know.”

For a moment Dean opened his eyes, staring down at the floor which appeared more blurry than before. “Cas…I’m sorry, I’m sorry for blaming you for mom for pushing you away but…seeing you, all, all I could think about was gods plan and if you play a part.” Dean watched as a few stray tears landed on the concrete below him

“Cas please, come home, come back I...I can’t do this without you man I don’t want to...” Dean raised his head and looked up at the ceiling, his hands falling into his lap “We’ve been down this road before man, one of us says something the other leaves, but we always come back, and I don’t know if that’s because of us or god, but we’ll work it out together, here, at home”

Dean felt the remaining of his energy pour out of his body, his tense shoulders dropping his deans head lulled back down onto his chin his eyes closing for a finale pray “So if you can bear me call, tell me that you're coming back?” Dean waited. He didn’t know how long, a minute, a few, an hour. He stayed seated on his bed, head bowed and hands clasped in his lap, waiting to hear his phone, waiting for something. Dean slowly lifted his head. Dean slowly reached into his pocket and pulled his phone out before hitting speed dial 2, once again dean didn’t know how long he waited, it felt like a month, a year but eventually, like watching a movie he already knew the ending of it happened it happened.

*This is Cas make your voice a mail*

No answer.

Dean lowered his head again, a tear slowly freed itself, failing down his face and onto the floor. Dean was silent for a while before he finally opened his mouth, a small tremor escaping, Dean pulled in a large breath, his lip shaking as he did so. He finally managed to pull his head back up, more tears found freedoms and trickled down his face

“Your Cas” Dean whispered, "You always come back, right?”

He held the phone to his ear until the line went dead. He closed his eyes as he slowly pulled the phone away, setting it on the bedside table. Dean stood up and grabbed the bottle off the side table, taking a large swing of it. Dean looked up towards the ceiling, and his jaw clenched tight.

Nothing.

The bottle collide with the wall with a loud shatter, the glass flying across the room, some making contact with Deans face but he didn’t care, his breath was heavy the small satisfaction of destroying the bottle fleeting. Dean clenched his jaw unable to stop himself from thinking back to that day in the bunker when Cas left like he'd been doing all day.

_You don't care, I'm...dead to you_

Dean couldn't help as a small desperate laugh escaped his lips as he thought about that.

"Dead to me?" Dean questioned aloud, "That couldn't be further from the truth...you are-you are one of the only things keeping me going, one of the only things that is stopping me from-" Dean didn't want to finish that sentence. Slowly Dean walked over to his bed, shoving the bag off the bed before lying down on top of the covers staring up at the blank ceiling.

"Well, I don’t think there’s anything left to say" Dean quietly whispered with defeat.

Maybe tomorrow would be better, maybe things would be hazier, maybe Cas would come back.

Dean felt his eyes begin to close, the white ceiling above disappearing and reappearing. As Dean drifted into the darkness he was taken back to that day on more time-

_I think it's time for me to move on._

As Dean's eyes finally closed a finale tear escaped down his face.

It's Cas, he always comes back...

Right?


End file.
